American psychologist Laura Schlessinger runs her own radio program. She is called to ask for advice, ask questions about love and just sob over the phone. After analyzing complaints of the women, who are forced to seek advice on the radio, Laura decided to record her impressions and thoughts in the book “Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Lives.”
1. Do not look at yourself through the prism of men
Error one – Silly affection
Unfortunately, the success of any woman is still evaluated according to the criterion “if she has a boyfriend.” Wretched ladies see themselves and their role in life only through the prism of their relations with a man. Very often it does not matter who that man is.
What a grave mistake! Mistaken are all those women, who live with an alcoholic, a tyrant, a jealous partner, a walking reproach, a drug addict, an adulterer, a liar, or the one who behaves arrogantly or with indifference. Women are often afraid that they will then fail to find anyone, so they get married with the first comer, proving their worthiness to society.
A piece of advice. This is not about worthiness. Those who are supposedly “unlucky” with their husband, or suffering from unreturned love, are also guilty of this situation. Thus, it is recommended to boost self-esteem and never humiliate yourself by having unworthy relationships and marriages. We should learn from men to be bold, assertive and confident.
2. We are not Cinderella girls
Error two – Stupid care
Millions of Cinderella girls all over the world, their eyes sad and full of tears, look out of the dirty windows of their huts, but no prince is to be seen anywhere near… Instead, there is a handsome grimy gardener in a nearby garden, always busy with stumps.
- If you lack proofs that your behavior is correct.
- If you tend to say “thank you” to anyone who pays attention to you.
- If you are satisfied with any offer, but do not choose what suits you better.
- If you are ready to scream “Hurray, I am no longer single” when dating with a man – you are likely to eventually make the wrong choice.
Connecting your life with a man only in order to get rid of loneliness means an escape from reality. It’s not that a woman tends to expect too much from her man, it is more about her failing to expect anything from herself.
Do not think that a man is so stupid emotionally that he cannot tell the difference between a situation, where you need no one but him, and when you are just desperately trying to start a relationship with someone. Do not be surprised if they afterwards start to think that they have been used and turned into a dressing for wounds, a waistcoat to shed tears in it or a lightning rod for tantrums. Men come into our life to share it with us, and not to replace it with themselves.
A piece of advice. Always choose the man to date with, and do not wait until you are chosen. Do not agree with what you have found lying on your life path. Experience the inevitable period of loneliness with a sober mind and heart – think of a hobby, meet with friends until you find the one who is worthy of you.
3. Do not kiss the toad
Error three – Silly devotion
If a woman repeats “I love him!” here and there, she may be lying to the people around. And to herself, of course. Such women are not willing to admit being in a situation of apparent defeat. They often appreciate (!) such behavior or attitude to themselves, even though no man would bear it for at least five minutes.
Strange it may sound, but for many women love is something beyond the boundaries of reasonable conduct (which is a pattern of behavior, imposed on us by fairy tales, where beauties fall in love with monsters and eventually end up searching for fleas in the monster’s fur).
Have you paid attention to the heinous double standards of society? Women ignore balding heads, rounded beer bellies, checkered shirts with a polka dot tie… But any man will share his impression about a new girl saying to his pal:
“She is pretty nice, but her legs are thick.”
Why do we accept this and fail to make the choice by ourselves? Why don’t we treat our men critically instead of loving them blindly? Because we have not yet felt confidence in ourselves.
Saying “I love him,” you think to yourself:
- I will never find anyone else who will tolerate me.
- I do not want to be alone.
- It’s better than nothing.
- It’s better than it used to be.
- I am 19 (29, 39, 49, 59) years old.
- I doubt that I will find a better man.
- Sometimes things are not that bad.
- In any case, there’s no other way out.
- I feel like I need him.
- I am afraid to face the unknown.
- It’s not as bad as it looks to others.
- It’s hard to find someone, who will be easy-going and joyful.
A piece of advice. Remember that if you kiss a toad, it will not necessarily turn into a prince, but in the mouth you will for sure have a disgusting taste, and in your head there will be only nasty memories. Do not mix up love with the feelings that you associate with a good relationship, your dreams, book promises, and sex. Feelings distort reality; be driven by your mind, and assess your man. True love will not come until you learn to love yourself. Take action! You deserve the best.
4. It is impossible to speak about it
Error four – Silly passion
It is obvious that men and women have different attitudes toward sex. Women find it too romantic and believe that sex imposes certain obligations on men. Women believe they sacrifice themselves and often require some sacrifice in return. In everything that concerns this aspect of the relationship, it is better to delay than to rush. Let “the apple ripen” and win some time to estimate the possible consequences of your actions. Spiritual closeness and sexual intimacy are very different things. True intimacy is when you can talk to your friend about everything. So never do the things you will not be able to discuss.
A piece of advice. No matter how old you are, sex cannot be the measure and value of your relationship with a man. Hasty sex leads to the fact that you will blame yourself, get even more desperate and terrified by the feeling of loneliness.
5. The pig is still in a poke
Error five – Stupid cohabitation
Many of us have heard the opinion that “it would be good to live together before marriage to get to know each other better” a hundred times. This is supposed to prevent you from getting a pig in a poke as a result of the official marriage. However, the “pig” is still there. According to statistics, the divorce rate among those who cohabit before marriage is much higher, compared with those who have walked down the aisle without living together!
The point is why a woman agrees to cohabit without marriage. It is a kind of capitulation: a man is afraid of the “official” responsibility, and she decides to quench his fear. A woman lives with her man in order to find stability in a relationship and preserve it rather than to find out who the man really is.
While he is thinking:
“We need to see if I feel good every day,” she insists: “I must be very attentive to make him feel good every day.”
It is clear that this relationship will not last for years because both ideas are a utopia.
A piece of advice. To force a man to respect yourself, never abandon your requirements. If he cannot rise to the desired level, it is better for you to quit the relationship.
6. What are you mixed up in?
Error six – Stupid expectations
Do you think you will react well to rehabilitation at your age? That’s also true about him. If you are going to marry, do not expect that he will be different only under your influence. Instead of thinking “I can change him,” you must think “What am I getting mixed up in?”
It often happens that the qualities you were attracted to in your bridegroom later prove to be disgusting. The secret is in the fact that we unconsciously choose a man resembling our father. We want to either fix the traumatic events of the past or to protect ourselves from the wrongs once done to us. Later, the man you have chosen proves to be different! Then you start to hate him. Although in reality you hate yourself.
A piece of advice. If you have got married to protect yourself from childhood offenses, put an end to this as soon as possible. It is impossible to replay the past. If you are married and hate your husband, have a look inside your personality, trying to find the source of hatred. If you do not find the reasons for your suffering, you will get married, you will hate men and think that they are defective.
7. Use your body in a right way
Error seven – Stupid ideas
It is erroneous to say “this is not love”, “this is not the right moment in life”, “everyone is expecting this from me”, “I can also do that”, “I’ll make him marry me” or “there’s nothing else left for me”. No other reason can be good enough to have a child, except having the interest, ability and means to give the child everything he/she needs: love, protection, and wealth.
None of your needs matter. The only important thing is the child’s needs. After all, your problems and errors will influence the child as well. In the question of childbirth, it is the woman who makes a decision. Of course, the responsibility rests on both partners, but your body belongs only to you!
A piece of advice. Think twice about when and from whom you will get pregnant.
8. Do not allow anyone to offend your children
Error eight – Related stupidity
It is awful, when women act contrary to their maternal instinct. Even in the wild, there is no fiercer creature than a female, protecting the cubs. But among people the situation is often different… Sometimes, women let partners hit their children or send them to be educated by someone else (only for the sake of preserving the marriage). One couple even sold their “untimely” child to start a business.
A piece of advice. Remember that children will not forgive you, if you fail to protect them. Do not allow anyone to harm children and toddlers, do not sacrifice children for the sake of your man’s happiness or imaginary affection.
9. Do not be afraid to object
Error nine – Silly helplessness
Little girls often get angry, if something goes wrong – not the way they want. When they grow up, anger disappears. Women resent, cry, suffer, and become depressed because they are afraid to express anger and fear not to hurt or infuriate others.
Depression is nothing but passive acceptance of the situation, whereas an active short-term outburst of emotions could easily solve the problem and set the boundaries, which your abuser does not have the right to cross. Do not drive your anger deep inside (by the way, experts claim that it may lead to diseases).
A piece of advice. There are painful moments in life, and overcoming this pain is the price you pay for developing your character. Like any human being, you have the privilege, the right and opportunity to be a personality. This does not mean you have to go at other people; this means that you have to include yourself in the equation as a meaningful element! Do not stay with the one who abuses you.
10. Your problems are not easier to solve
Error ten – Stupid forgiveness
Women are the most patient creatures in the world. They can invent a million excuses not to terminate the relationship with an unworthy man. We often think that our problems are less grave or easier to solve than the problems of other people, of whom we know little. We often repeat to ourselves:
“If I leave, I will be unhappy.”
Yes, perhaps this is true. But at least you will be able to build your own happiness, which you lack with the current partner.
A piece of advice. Do not be guided by the principle “I cannot handle the situation, so nothing will change”. Take a closer look at yourself – there must be courage, independence and initiative somewhere inside you. Be realistic! You always have a choice!
The mystery of feminine charm
Women are known to laugh more often than men. Particularly in mixed companies. It seems that men prefer to be funny rather than to laugh, and this asymmetry is observed since childhood. Remember the funniest person in your class – this must have been a boy. Isn’t the difference between male and female laughter a significant factor in creating a harmonious relationship?
German psychologists observed the reaction of women when talking to male strangers, and then interviewed both. It turns out that the more a woman laughs, the more interested she is in her interlocutor. Men also find flirtatious laughing women more attractive.
The indicator of a healthy and harmonious relationship in a couple is female rather than male laughter. Men can laugh or not, but it is a bad symptom, if female laughter is not heard in the family.