Marriage – like any other kind of partnership – is supported mostly by trust. We give ourselves to the people who, as we believe, are going to take good care of us. The spouse or the partner is incontrovertibly the one we trust implicitly. So when they let us down, cheat, go back on their promises, it hurts ever so much.
Still, if love is there, and both parties are eager to go back to the former trusting relations, you can restore the trust and save the union – here are some bits of advice to help you along.
Even if the spouse’s fault was not a serious one, impaired trust cannot be recaptured at a moment’s notice, and what about graver ones? A wound from a not-so-significant lie can take up to a week to heal, even more, if it’s the first offense that came unexpectedly. A transgression like a love affair on the side will take much more than that – the count goes in months and years, therefore the process requires a lot of patience from both partners to wait until they live it down properly.
Tell yourself you’re not the only one with trust issues in the family
When you are troubled, other families may seem to be happy couples with cloudless lives, but it’s a question of not knowing: a lot of them had trust problems in one way or another. Dig for stories on the Internet, books where people describe how they took and endured the trial. There are groups uniting people who live with cheating partners, and you won’t be feeling alone with the problem. Then there’s counseling, you can always sign up for a session and use professional assistance to regain trust.
You know that vow that says “for worse also,” and now that you are in the thick of this “worse,” it’s up to you to stick by your previous decision to live on with this man even if your relations are now sadly marred.
Naturally, you want to behave differently, show your chagrin and resentment, the temptation to take it out on your spouse grows strong. He broke your trust, after all, didn’t he? Yes, you suffered, but you can suffer even more if you choose to indulge in bitter feelings. Meanwhile, loyalty to your erring spouse may grow fresh flowers on your relationship.
Don’t deviate from openness
Before you begin re-establishing your relationship, both of you need to acknowledge the problem is there. Unless you agree that your trust is shaken, you can’t be wanting to rebuild it. When spouses admit what went wrong, and can discuss their actions resulting in such a pass freely and completely, they can understand better how they really feel about it. These are not the easiest topics to discuss, nevertheless clearing your understanding of the situation and your path into the future is essential for re-strengthening your bond.
No need to repeat accusations
We, people, are apt to try and preserve our hurt condition, and while we are in the right, it feels good to remind the other person that he is in the wrong! Yet when you do that, you relive the drama for both of you and set the healing process back. Every time the wronged person says things like “It is as I told you” or “You did what you wanted and see what happened” the effect is as bad as can be: your partner feels humiliated, and that’s not the way to heal the wounds.
Probably you won’t forget the offense ever, yet it’s up to you to learn and exercise forgiveness. Once you succeeded in forgiving, you are halfway to regaining the trust and refreshing the relationship.