Most often, the prospect of a relationship with a guy is clear after the first or the second date. If there is the third date, it is almost a romance then, and during the fourth one, one can safely strive for more. However, there are situations when the relations get stuck in some phase. He does not seem to try to fool you, but he is not in a hurry and seems to be thinking about retreat. Let’s discover the new term called “benching”, which came to us from the magical world of virtual acquaintances and became the best friend of “ghosting” and “breadcrumbing”.
What is benching and why it differs from ghosting and breadcrumbing
All three terms have a negative connotation and denote varieties of someone’s indifferent attitude towards a potential partner.
Ghosting is a virtual option of taking French leave when a person quits the game without explaining the reasons and disappears from sight, sometimes even forever.
Breadcrumbing means sending playful messages of no serious content to attract any careless person of the opposite sex, who is ready to accept the scattered crumbs of attention or inexpressive flirtation without enthusiasm solely for the purpose of feeding the interest and staying in touch.
“Benching” takes place when you support communication with a person on a dating site, but do not seek to take the relations to a new level and postpone a real meeting because your attention is occupied by more interesting and more important people. If you explain the term literally, this is when you send someone to the bench, that is you do not really like the person, but you are not ready to say a resolute “no”.
This is a sports metaphor indicating that a potential partner is not a priority because another person has better options.
How to recognize benching
- You do not know how the guy feels.
- The one who is benched is never sure how the partner treats her. The bencher shows interest but does not go too far, which is confusing.
- Your plans easily fail
- One of the questions that you should ask yourself is whether the person is interested in you and why he does not initiate a meeting and does not fulfill his promises.
- Even if the plans are implemented, it happens on his terms
- Benching keeps partners aside so that the relationship can be initiated when it is convenient.
He seems to be the Narcissus type
Some benchers are actually narcissists. They have no intention of building a relationship, but they will keep a person nearby because they love attention. People of the Narcissus type have a manipulative and playful style of love. Their self-esteem rises when they keep the attention of several potential partners.
You never know who the bencher turns out to be: a guy who wants a relationship but cannot make up his mind or a narcissist who simply collects fans without intending to move on to something bigger.
Why do men keep women “benched”?
He is an idealist
There are people who want to get a “full package”. They want their partner to have all possible merits despite the fact that all these wonderful qualities often contradict each other.
Therefore, when an idealist finds a woman who seems to be perfect, he decides to part with the one he is dating. After a while, it turns out that the new passion does not meet his expectations to a much greater extent. Comparing women, he eventually gives preference to the one that suits him more.
The joyful conclusion is that if he comes back to you, you are much better. The sad conclusion is that he will not stop searching.
It is difficult for him to endure loneliness
Many men suffer from loneliness as badly as women do. The desire to always have someone ready to listen to you, to hug and help with something or accompany you to the movies does not depend on sex.
Such people always have someone who would brighten up their routine of life. At the same time, they often do not realize that their partner views such interaction as a relationship.
He is afraid of a serious relationship
Not in the sense that he is an irresponsible slob. He can sincerely love a woman and wish to be with her, but it is difficult for him to endure any emotional intimacy.
Attachment can take the form of avoiding
The people who practice “avoiding” look self-sufficient, independent and in every way reject the attempts to get closer. A person is simply comfortable and can regulate the degree of intimacy and step aside at any moment.
He finds it comfortable
He knows that there is a woman who is always waiting for him, no matter what happens. Therefore, he returns to her as though to the parents’ house or a quiet harbor. Until the thirst for adventure calls him somewhere else again.
What should you do if you are in a relationship with a bencher
If someone does not treat you as a priority, you must match the level of their interest. Detach yourself from the person and take care of yourself or start another relationship. You can try to find out what is going on by asking the partner directly. However, since the reason for benching is another relationship, you are unlikely to get a definite answer. Regardless of what you decide to do in such a situation, it is important not to invest in someone who is not interested in you.
If you keep someone benched
You must be attentive to others and be aware that benching harms a person. You can justify your good motives such as the desire to save the partner’s feelings, an attempt not to hurry and make a sound decision. What lies in the heart of this behavior is your selfishness. Be frank. A partner will certainly appreciate it and understand that now is the wrong time to start a relationship with you.
What you need to remember to avoid being benched
Take care of yourself
Love for yourself means that you will not tolerate mistreatment and are not ready to be a faithful dog who will wait for reciprocity as long as it takes. Remember that you are the main example of how others should treat you.
Pay attention to warning signs
Even the most rapid relations do not happen suddenly. If someone behaves inconsistently, cancels plans, does not put you in priority, it means that you should not spend time with this person.
Keep balance in life
Having a job, friends, family, and self-improvement in your life is the best guarantee that you will not tolerate toxic relationships. If the balance is broken, you risk getting obsessed with a potential partner.