He wants morning sex, while she wants morning coffee. She finds that making love several times a month is enough, while he is ready for love victories on a daily basis. In one form or another, almost every couple faces intimate dissonance. How to separate quite common difficulties from a serious conflict of temperaments and what to do in various cases of “mismatch”?
In everyday life, discrepancies between sexual rhythms and desires are often explained by the popular phrase “their temperaments do not match.” However, in reality, the causes of such problems are much more diverse and are often not associated with innate sexual needs.
Temperament
Temperament, or the innate level of sexuality, determines our natural needs for sex. A person can change attitudes, partners, and any other living conditions, but the frequency of sexual contacts he needs remains constant. That is why the most stable unions are those in which the temperament of the partners initially coincides.
Of course, if the differences are small and a couple enjoys a healthy relationship, it is quite possible to find a compromise. But if once a month is enough for you, and your loved one wants it at least four times a week, you should hardly expect that you will be satisfied with a similar rhythm or he will switch to permanent “self-service”. Is it possible to determine at the beginning of a relationship, how much your temperaments coincide? Of course. It is enough to speak frankly about your needs and desires.
Speed mode
Quick, spontaneous sex is the norm for most men and a trial for many women. The thing is that the female cycle of sexual response is initially much longer, so “quick” intercourse often ends well for the man and leads to the woman’s dissatisfaction. A similar problem is found in many couples, but in contrast to the real difference of temperaments, it is successfully solved. For example, you can ask a partner to spend more time on foreplay or let you experience orgasm in other ways. Ideally, do not shift all the responsibility on the partner’s shoulders, developing your sexuality.
For many, it will be a discovery, but the complex mechanism of the female orgasm can be learned to control. Effective methods of stimulation, breathing techniques, driving thoughts away and other techniques are available to all girls. They can be learned at special training or studied from authoritative resources.
Monthly circumstances
Most girls prefer not to have sex during the periods of menstruation. For men, “these days” are usually not an obstacle, but the need for abstinence can turn into a monthly problem. However, such an imbalance is often resolved by the woman’s consent to have sex, though she still cannot relax and get her pleasure.
Is it worth restoring sexual harmony in this way? Definitely not. After all, intimacy is not violence, but the mutual desire or comfort at the very least. If sex on the first days of the cycle causes you inconvenience, explain this to the partner honestly. Moreover, there are many options to replace his needs in other ways that will give you both no less joy.
Different chronotypes
It happens that the mismatch of chronotypes, or daily peaks of activity of partners, originates from the difference of temperaments. For example, he is a typical “lark” and is ready for sexual exploits before breakfast (by the way, this is often the case because the peak of testosterone production in men occurs in the morning). And your awakening is always reminiscent of the alarm sound, where there are no chances for quality sex and no strength even for foreplay.
Undoubtedly, such dissonance causes discomfort to those who remain deprived of attention. But if the couple is focused on dialogue, they can agree. First of all, do not be rude and do not get offended by the partner’s refusal. Try to find some compromise time when sexual intimacy is comfortable and pleasant to both. Arrange holidays for each other (at least sometimes) – should it be a passionate night or a sex marathon on a Saturday morning.
Stress
Refusal from sex in a state of stress is one of the mechanisms of psychological protection. All the forces of the body are sent to keep a person alive, healthy and adequate, without leaving any room for libido. For some people, only very serious problems or losses can become a pretext for such a condition. For others, even a petty quarrel with a colleague or a mortgage payment delayed for a couple of days are enough.
However, in a stressful situation, even a healthy, sexually active person can refuse sex. This does not mean at all that something happened to his temperament (nothing happens to it) or, for example, that he has got a mistress.
When stress makes adjustments to your sexuality, the first thing to do is to demonstrate patience, understanding, and empathy. As a rule, after overcoming the turmoil, desires and habitual needs return to the person. Even in the case of lasting bad conditions, you can always ask for help from a specialist. But if a completely understandable refusal of your partner from intimacy turns into a problem and a reason for manipulation, it is worth thinking. After all, adult relationships are primarily support and acceptance, and sex is perhaps one of the most honest markers in them.